Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
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You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.