Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...