I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?