Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
