I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize