I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
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When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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