Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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