the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
