There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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