She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
