Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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