I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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