I can't breathe out the right side of my face
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
