I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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