i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
