Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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