just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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