my mouth tastes like poor choices
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
