Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Randomize
