My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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