If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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