apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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