I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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