saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
