When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
