I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
