Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
