They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So vagazzling was a success
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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