M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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