I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
