we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
