Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
