i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
