I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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