I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
