I love how my cats smell like pot.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
