the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
