And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
