I want to make a zoo with you.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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