I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
