Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
