Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
