i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
