why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
