If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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