it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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