Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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