my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
