I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
