Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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