happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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