My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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