Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
this hospital has no fireball
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
