Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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