I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
