i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
